My mother took me to get my portrait taken at a fancy studio when I was four. It was cute – I posed in a red dress holding a parakeet, with which I was enamored. Those photos turned out great.
But then the photographer sat me on a stool. “Lean forward,” she said, so I leaned forward. She did not specify how far I should lean forward, however, so I continued leaning until the stool toppled over and I crashed to the floor, busting my head open on the edge of a grand piano on my way down. I was so angry when I was getting stitches because, after all, I had done exactly what I was supposed to do and look how it had turned out.
I’ve still got the scar. Still kinda blame the photographer for it.
On a few occasions as a child, I was given an animal to hold and just. Continued holding onto it carefully even while it bit and bloodied me. My parents didn’t know whether to praise me for my resilience or chastise me for not removing myself from the source of pain and injury. I did the same thing when my mother drew me a bath but forgot to add cold water, so I just started screaming in pain while I obediently lowered myself into the searing hot bathtub. I’m so lucky I was born into this family and not another, lmao.
once when I was little, my family was at the beach, and when my mom was finished putting sunscreen on one of my arms, I stuck out the other one for her to sunscreen up, but she just put more on the same arm… and I didn’t say anything. I just figured she knew what was best and that’s how I got my first bad sunburn.
Machine learning algorithms can uncover complex patterns in the data they see, making them useful for image recognition, predicting customer service questions, or recommending movies. They can even do a decent job at naming craftbeers, kittens, or guinea pigs. But one thing it turns out they’re bad at? Understanding what humans find sexy.
I had my first sign that this was a problem when I trained a neural network to generate new Halloween costumes and saw its attempts at the “sexy” category of names – it came up with ideas like Sexy Gargles, Pretty zombie Space Suit, and Sexy the Spock. So when Scarlett O’Hairdye contacted me saying they were putting together an AI-themed burlesque show (yes you read that right), and asked me to train a neural network to generate possible names for the show… I knew the neural network was going to be in for a confusing time.
Now first let me talk about burlesque. If you’re not familiar with it, think feather boas, ruffled skirts, and fishnet stockings. These days, themed burlesque shows are all the rage, with names like “That Ass, Poor Yorick” “Star Trek: The Sexed Generation” and “Burl-X Files”. Scarlett provided me with 450 examples of existing shows and yes, the neural network proceeded to get very confused.
One thing it tried was making up words that sounded to it like sexytimes. It made no sense, but it was strangely adorable.
Booky Ampitions – A Stravaganza Starstox! A Burlesque 2 Booms A Shagack! SPOW! Holiday Fishing Glasties off! Moosters, A burlesque tribute Homper Gurder Burlesque Show Show! Thag Ag After Dark Woncerless! Boodnass Tronpboons if Mongerland Bonshows of thong Yes of Nevering Eightthows! MACTAON! A Nighty Boosh Burlesque! Deeptert! “Thawls of Vinderland II – A Burrrrs?! Burlesque Revue” BUR! The Sexed Garks of Burlesque Adventure
Sometimes the sexy-sounding words it generated were already other words. For some reason it was trying hard to make vases sexy. It has an even harder task ahead of it with its other favorite words, “warts” and “fart”.
My 2017 Farty Burlesque Adventure Vase Burlesque Revue The Warts of Burlesque! The Wonderland – March of Farty Fundraiser Teaks of Fame Legends Tree! A Burlesque Revue Vase Show Gourdraiser! Sex-Pone Cabaret Sticker Burlesque Burlesque Show The Pans of The Panners Burlesque Revie The Adomic Eso Space Scream Show The Hare and the Rare and the Mar Chas Burlesque Revue Farty Fasties: A Burlesque Show The Rank Show Vase & Show Vase Farts The Stripper Stripper Dave Burlesque Show Adventure To Burlesque Came Farts of Burlesque Revue Seattle Burlesque Show & Tangy Future and Warty For the Blue Door
Here I think it was trying to spell “boobs” or maybe “bombshells” but had a bit of an issue.
Burlesque Bonbs and Constray Burlesque Borbshells Burlesque Borbs and Monstrous Burlesque Show Bolbshells!
Other times it got the words right, but used them rather… unskillfully.
Sex Your Eye Out! The Parts and Burlesque Revue The Sexed Show The Pank: A Burlesque Revue Peepsing Tarts Burlesque Show A Hot Care Show! Well New Cheapless! The Sexies of Burlesque Revue The Hand Show Burlesque Show About Your Peek Show Derrierer: A Burlesque Show Cone With 9s Cabaret Derriere The Pants of Fame Burlesque Adventure
And the name that was chosen? May I present to you the first-ever AI-themed burlesque show:
If you are lucky enough to be in Seattle, WA on July 21, 2018 (and are over 21), you can experience some of the strangest sexytimes that technology has to offer. Tickets!
The other day I was trying to explain to a little girl that people have two different kinds of teeth in our mouths because we are omnivores and can eat both meat and plants.
“I don’t eat plants,” she said, haughtily.
“I bet you do,” I said. “Have you ever eaten bread?”
“Yeah!”
“Well, bread is made out of ground-up seeds from special kinds of plants,” I said.
“No it’s not! Bread is made out of French fries,” she insisted.
“I have news for you anout French fries,” I said. Her mother laughed and promised that there would be a lot to learn that night.
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