i just walked past the apartment beneath mine and through an open window i could hear my downstairs neighbor crying faintly while the song jolene played in the background and im just like… bitch are you okay…?
I actually ended up going back downstairs to check on her and brought some leftover cookies I baked this afternoon. she’s very sweet and going through a Breakup Mood™️ after being cheated on. she’s coming over to my gf and I’s annual bad movie night on Friday and she even let me pet her cat named Clarence
my gf thinks it’s funny but very fitting that our downstairs neighbor was able to summon a concerned lesbian just by playing jolene while crying about being done dirty by a man
My wife and I were were talking the other day and, I don’t remember what we were even talking about, but the idea came up that we would need an oreo for. I joked about getting one from my secret stash. This is where she made her mistake. She said “oh right, like you could have an Oreo stash without me knowing about it.”
I’m sorry?
That’s a challenge.
Oreos aquired.
I’m going to hide them in a super simple place at first
But be sure to follow this post while I chronicle all the ways and places I hide them and also how I plan on taunting her with cookies while she can’t find the package
She is out of the house for a moment so it’s time to enjoy a few cookies
And find a new hiding spot
Hehehe
They up there
Normally I’m a Oreos with milk kinda guy, but I’ll take coffee if coffee is available
Now to hide them right under her nose
She never looks under the TV for anything. Tonight when we are watching Halloween Wars I’ll have a big dopey grin on my face
Time to up the stakes. It was fun having em here and hiding them around her while she didn’t know what was happening. Bit now it’s time for her to be in on the game she is playing
Four cookies packed in her lunch. Game on
I’ve been cleaning house today and feeling like I’ve done a pretty good job. Time to reward myself with some delicious Oreos
Aaaaand put them where she would never find them in a million years
🙂
Got up early this morning and helped pack everyone’s lunch. Pulling a damn Oprah over here
You get some cookies! You get some cookies! Everyone gets cookies!
Then a devious idea struck me…
I put the remaining Oreos in a baggie to hide by themselves. Now to “hide” the package where it will probably be found…
And pin the actual stash to the inside of the closet wall
If you two weren’t already married I’d beg you to marry her because you two are obviously perfect for each other and I love this post with all my heart
This guy’s dopey grin at his success at hiding oreos is exactly what I’m here for
You like that eh? Well you are going to love today’s installment
Look at that. So sad. So few Oreos left
Guess I’ll just pin em right to the middle of the wall in the middle of the living room. She’ll never find em there
Oh, guess I should put this back up
Bwa ha ha ha! You guys! You guys don’t understand! I was planning on doing this and when I got home and looked at it I was like “aww, it’s too thin. They won’t fit.” I even TOLD my wife this and how I was disappointed that I wouldn’t be able to hide them back there.
But then I looked again. They dooooo
Thank you all so much for the love. I knew y’all would like this, but I had no idea you would like it THIS MUCH. People calling us “goals” and stuff… Man…. It’s kinda hard to take in ya know? Anyways: if this post gets Over 9000™ before I get off work today I will pick up Halloween Oreos on my way home and this will not stop
She is so happy that the Oreo Saga continues. Just look at how happy she is
Came home to find this
But she never looked inside the blue chair
Good stuff, but it’s time for some cookies
Gotta have some while I think about where these guys are going next
Hmmmmm
Got it.
Ohmygosh oh. my. gosh. You guys. Near disaster. Check this shiz out:
Wife and I were sewing Elly’s Halloween costume up
Yea, she is going to be a spider and it’s super cute and all but. But. Loooook
Holy actual shit the Oreos fell out from the table literally next to her.
The moment she got up I threw them into the closet
Also:shout out to whoever it was that lost a follower for this post
Sry bout that eh.
Long, but worth it.
That’s what she said
SO ANYWAYS in honor of Halloween, the oreos have been moved to the Christmas decorations.
I figure I COULD leave them there till thanksgiving. We’ll see if I feel the need to move them again before then
Fa la la la la sucka
Happy Halloween
You guys wanted an update and I am finally ready. I have been thinking of a great place to hide em and I think I finally have an epic place. Just gotta go get em
Uh.
Well.
This wasn’t part of today’s plan.
Oh my god… This post just keeps getting better and better.
You should start looking for them.
Hmmmm maybe I should. Okay
Found em!
Ahhhh ok
Yo. What’s up.
Got some separated and ready for lunches tomorrow morning.
Lets see you find em in here babe
Oh, also
This is my absolute favorite post on this site
Cool! Want me to reblog you so you can be part of it? Sweet!
I decided that maybe it’s dangerous for everyone and every cookie involved hiding them inside the furnace air duct. Time to see how they faired…
Well they look ok. But TIS THE SEASON so let’s do this
I’ve decided to play it a bit risky this go round. It is a bit chilly out and time to put the guards over the hoses. Oh well, I’ll hide near them anyways. Put a little fear in my life
Tee hee
They up there now.
PEACE
I’m going to be with this until the end
YOU THINK THIS WILL EVER END?!
So we have beem real busy amd all so i cant really blame her, but common! I made it easy that time!
This is legitimately the funniest thing that has ever happened on MBMBAM
who doesn’t eat raw pasta tho, that’s a thing???
transcript:
Justin: Hi, Brooks!
Travis: [crosstalk] Hello, Brooks!
Brooks: So, my question is – my boyfriend keeps on going into the pantry and grabbing… handfuls of fettuccine?
[audience laughs]
Brooks: Unco – [laughs] uncooked?
Griffin: [sarcastically] I would hope he’s not grabbing handfuls of cooked fettuccine, Brooks!
Travis: In your pantry?!
Brooks: No – and eating them raw – [audience groans] – and he keeps calling them chips?
Justin: Okay –
[audience laughs]
Brooks: How do I make him stop?
Travis: Is your boyfriend here?
Brooks: Yeah.
Travis: You’re a monster! [audience and Justin laugh] Words mean things!
Griffin: Does anyone remember – [clears throat] I haven’t been to olive garden in… many moons, but they do have like, a little, like – fettuccine… bottle that you can just grab ‘em out of and chew – hold on! [indignantly] Was this a prank you guys pulled on me when we went to Olive Garden as kids?!
[audience laughs]
Griffin: No. Stop, everybody shut up! [audience and Justin laugh] Do they give you fe – raw fettuccine to chew on in the lobby of the Olive Garden??
Audience: No!
Griffin: YOU ST- FUCKIN’ –BASTARDS!
Travis: [crosstalk] Yaaaaaaayyy!!
[audience starts cheering and clapping]
Justin: The prestige!!
[Travis and Justin cackle while the audience cheers. Griffin presumably has his head in his hands.]
Travis: And now you have IBS!
Griffin: I didn’t -!
Travis: [triumphantly] We got ‘im!
Griffin: What I need you – [aside] Brooks, we’ll get back to you – [to his brothers] what I need you two to understand is – [Justin wheezes and giggles] that was not – the only time I went to Olive Garden. [audience laughs] There were – [laughs]
Travis: [in disbelief] Were there never employees around, like -??
Justin: [high-pitched giggles]
[audience laughs even more at Justin’s giggling]
Griffin: I – I! Wanting to seem like an authentic metropolitan… diner, would always grab the fettuccine and walk over to my friends like, “Mm, yeah, I’m a little – a little peckish -”
Travis: [cackles]
Justin: Griffin – Griffin, I –
Griffin: I fucking can’t believe – I can’t believe you did that, and I can’t believe literally I’m finding out in the worst imaginable venue –
Justin: Speaking as a former Olive Garden employee, there is – if I saw a little kid eating fettu – raw fettuccine, the… odds of me stopping them are negative one thousand percent.
[audience laughs]
Griffin: Okay, Brooks.
Justin: Brooks.
Griffin: Yeah, so I’m – gonna –
Justin: Wait –
Griffin: Sit this one out, Brooks! [audience and Travis laugh]
Justin: Brooks, is it possible that your boyfriend has been laboring under the same delusion as my brother for all these years? [audience laughs] “Oh, but wait, they sell this for you to take home? Okay! Little fancy for myself, then!”
[Griffin and audience giggle]
Travis: Brooks, is it possible –
Griffin: Mmm.
Travis: – your boyfriend does not believe these are chips, but instead, likes to annoy you, by calling them chips, a thing I – not exactly that, but similar – do to my wife all the time? [audience laughs]
Griffin: Is it possible, your boyfriend… loves chips. And you never have chips, and this is his way of passive-aggressively sort of – [audience laughs] guilting you into go – “Ooh, these are tasty chips!” – and as a raw fettuccine eater myself, I can tell you, it’s not a – it’s not a good chew!
[audience and brothers laugh]
Griffin: You do it, and you put it in your mouth, and your six-year-old brain thinks, it’ll turn to fettuccine in the heat of your mouth. [hysterically, as audience laughs] It doesn’t work like that! It doesn’t work like that! It justdoesn’t work like that.
How does anyone hate kids they are so funny I sold tickets to incredibles to this little girl and her mom and she’s like mom are we sitting next to each other and the moms like ya and the kid screamed YES so loud it broke my ears
The other day I was bringing an older gentleman up the hill in a golf cart and we drove past this huge YMCA group of kids like 100 kids
and driving past the first chunk like 10 of them yelled out “let me on” in unison and then since I’m driving so slowly to be safe, halfway in some kid leaned up and said “do you play fortnite” and I told him I played a little and he just pointed and shouted “THIS GUY PLAYS FORTNITE” and then like 20 kids started talking to me all at once about fortnite
A kid asked me if I lived in the ambulance. I said yes.
The hero we deserve
When I was on register at Kohl’s a little girl came through with her grandma and she was so very excited to tell me the meaning of her name (I think it was like warrior of god) and she begged her grandma for her phone so she could google to find out what my name means too
i wear two spinner rings on one finger and one time at my last job a young girl (probably 6-8) said “your ring is very pretty” and when i showed her it was two rings she GASPED and said “does that mean you’re marrying two people?!”
I have this necklace with a mermaid on it that I wear to work a lot and I got asked by a kid if it gave me magic powers. I leaned in real close and told her in a low voice it gave me magical girl powers but it was a secret. She got this real serious look on her face and said to her mom “that lady has superpowers, don’t tell anyone or the government will take her away”.
The other day i had to give a speech at my school despite my horrific fear of public speaking and afterwards i had kid come up to me and say well done to me. It was so cute.
god I love tiny kids
there was a kid in one of our science camps and he spent the whole week in a lab coat and goggles screaming “CHEMICALS” at the top of his lungs. he wouldn’t even tell us his name for the first two days just screamed CHEMICALS instead.
So my husband tells a story about a guy he worked with at his first job. They’d regularly go to a Thai restaurant near their office – one of those really legit places where grandma is the chef. So the guy says one day to their server, looks this girl dead in the eye, and says “You can’t make it hot enough.”
Server gives him this look like “your funeral” and takes the order to the kitchen. GRANDMA COMES OUT AND LOOKS AT THIS POOR WHITE BOY, shakes her head, and goes back in the kitchen.
When the dish comes out, it’s a solid mass of just RED. Dudes at the table are dying just sitting near it. This guy tries his damnedest, gets about five bites in, and can’t do it. Mr You-cant-make-it-hot-enough was fucking obliterated by Chef Grandma.
And to add insult to injury, they replaced the dish for him, and GRANDMA BRINGS IT OUT, gives him a look and shakes her head.
I think there’s a reasonable chance this was his receipt.
HE BROUGHT IT ON HIMSELF BY TALKING SHIT ABOUT THEIR PAD THAI
A man from Illinois was arrested for getting $224,000 worth of
manure dumped on his former employer’s property, only two weeks after he
won $125 million at the lottery and quit his job.What a petty revenge. Details are here.
the other night i tried to make a curry and i got chilli burns all over my face, so i thought to myself ‘hang on, doesn’t milk soothe chilli burns? it does’ and i couldn’t google because i couldn’t see so i just had to blindly feel my way to the fridge and pour out a bowl of milk, and then plant my face in the bowl of milk, anyway at that point the rice cooker went off and triggered a power surge which turned my electricity off, which i didn’t notice at first because i had my face in a bowl of milk and when i did emerge from the dairy prison i thought i had gone blind with chilli burns. so no i don’t really cook much.
Context: my teacher translated the verb “to grasp with one’s hand” as “to fist” since that’s kinda what it literally means, but you can’t translate it like that into English because “to fist” means something ENTIRELY different, but she doesn’t know that.
So she was explaining how they use the verb to describe the angel of death taking your soul — he rips your soul out of you with his fist. Now that’s pretty damn metal, but she said word for word “the angel of death fists you, and then you die” which is the single most terrifying and powerful sentence to ever grace my ears
okay so one night like a week or two ago kurt was meowing at me and one of the meows sounded like he was saying “hewwo” so since then I started saying “hewwo” instead of meowing back at him (like I do with all his cat sounds, naturally) and slowly his meows evolved into something vaguely “hewwo”like with the one or two True and Powerful Hewwo’s a day
but now that you have backstory I was just standing in my kitchen making rice, everythings dead silent, and suddenly this fucking “HEWWO??” echoes through the whole apartment and it almost killed me
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