the idea that humans are a garbage species is so obnoxious no one talks about the peaceful parts of history and prehistory because they aren’t as exciting as us killing each other but um homo sapiens have been doing awesome things all over for a long time….we survived the fucking ice age…we made it through the sinai desert….we shared the savana with big cats before we ever made a weapon, we wove baskets from literal plants and halved blades from flint to handles we made, carved harpoons from bone and fought megafauna for our loved ones, cooked food and took care of the elderly and buried our dead, painted pictures and shared stories, built homes from clay and mud and straw, made instruments so we could dance and sing…it is so easy to focus on the negative and i get it ok we are in the middle of a mass extinction event that specific humans are at fault for but listen: they don’t want you to remember it hasn’t always been like this…we were and are so much more than evil
Tag: humans
I do feel bad for plants in general.
Like, I know they are often as vicious as animals in many ways, just slower.
But, I mean, they just show up and they’re like, “I Think I Will Evolve To Eat The Sun And Also Make Oxygen And How Now Is All This.”
And, like, everything fucking dies at first (totally not plants fault, btw. okay maybe it was but they didn’t mean to) but then new things evolve.
And they’re like, “Fuck it, eating each other suuuucks. Let’s eat the plants which give us life.”
And so we start doing that.
And plants are all, “Oh Dear No, I Do Not Care At All For Being Eaten. I Will Make Myself Into Poison Sometimes.”
But, y’know, stuff kept eating plants anyway so plants, ever the bro, came up with a new idea. “I Have Made A Decision About Being Eaten And You May Eat Me Friends And Here Is An Especially Tasty Bit Packed All Full of Delicious Sugars Which I Have Produced At Great Cost (What They Do Not Know Is That My Seeds Are Within And Shall Be Propagated Near And Far By Their Dung)“
But that’s not good enough for animals, no, not at all.
We love the fuck out of some pomegranates but also alliums which are like, “I Have Not Decided To Go In For This Being Eaten Business. I Shall Be Very Foul Tasting And Also A Poison.”
But no, sorry, onions, you fucked up.
You accidentally wound up with a species that just doesn’t give up or fully comprehend the idea of things tasting “”‘bad’“’ or other concepts like not eating poison. (Sorry, plants, later we turn some of you who are not poison into a poison we consume recreationally. We really enjoy eating poison.)
Legit, alliums are deadly to, like, every other species.
And we call them aromatics and throw them in everything.
Peppers are the best, though.
They completely got on the being eaten train.
BUT ONLY BIRDS
Peppers are like, “You May Eat Me, Fair Avian, For You Are Sure To Spread Me A Great Distance. But, Mammal, Take HEED. Should You Eat Me Then I Will Burn You Most Terribly.”
And we were all about that.
“The FUCK, burning? I love pain,” said humans, presumably.
“You know, peppers, you and evolution have done a good job at burning us but I am pretty sure we could make your chemical agony even more potent. Come hang with us,” humans added to a very confused pepper just before creating the ghost chili.
The Embassy, soon after the fall of the Extulian home world, had a surplus of aliens to take care of. Homeless and injured needed to be taken care of and once more the humans rose. They built massive structures and sent them to space, even building on their own worlds. Each ship, Each building perfectly designed for comfort and caring of many different species.
The Humans opened their homes and offered up their crafts. With skillful organization the Humans gathered up the homeless and gave them homes. Even giving scared and wide eyed Extulians a place among them.
Humans where savages on the battlefield, tearing down anyone who stood in their path.
But.
They were also artisans. Humans may not have to most advanced of technology but the entire universe stood in awe of their persistence. They did not let their restrictions limit them. They built monuments, a testament to their protective nature.
Massive ships and buildings meant to house the homeless. Where the Embassy had been doing everything they could to take care of their new people they too where stunned at the humans. The humans built and built and re-imagined and ventured “What if,” The Embassy and The Galaxy itself had to stand back and watch the humans raise these war torn planets and restore life to where there was once devastation.
Most races would have stopped. Thinking they had done enough by just fighting, but not the humans. No. They rose to the challenge once more, With their tools and minds at the ready. They sent out their workers this time, Architects and carpenters, and Construction workers. They sent Farmers and Teachers, They sent Scientists and Doctors.
The Galaxy was once taught that Humans where not to be fought, Now they stood humbled by the love these small creatures displayed.
They asked not for servitude, not even for payment. The humans bartered with knowledge. All they wanted was to learn about these new people, Their culture, their language. They shared meals and let their children play together. They shared stories and with those things, came unbreakable bonds of loyalty. There was no need for a legal alliance when the races shared a loyalty forged in war and freedom.
Humans may have a dark history, filled with blood and turmoil. They may have done despicable things to their own people. But. They always tried to progress, They always tried to move forward, get better, To BE better.
Humans where tenacious in their pursuit of equality and progress.
This is like a stereotype aliens would come up with for us just through watching our movies.
I like the idea that they don’t make contact because we’re actually fucking terrifying.
Why would anyone pick a human race in a fantasy game
I want a fantasy game where human isn’t even an option
Nah man, humans are the coolest
It’s one thing to fight demons if you’re from a species that lives for hundreds of years, is tied to natural magic, and births the best archers on the planet. It’s another thing entirely to do the same when your species is known to be slightly-above-average at farming.
“im regular jeff and im gonna behead tiamat and die trying”
the human body is so fake like i’ll be reading the news and it’s like “25 year old woman free falls 1,500 feet into 25 feet of snow, found alive and uninjured” and while I’m absolutely reeling over that I don’t even have time to process it fully before I look at the next article “25 year old man falls into shallow end of pool, dies instantly.”
like our bodies literally have the durability predictability of an iphone
one time I misjudged how steep a “hill” was and proceeded to slide down the slope of a cliff for a full half minute and hit the bottom unscathed.
then I tripped on the stairs on my way to see Neon Genesis Evangelion and shattered my entire kneecap.
We have god mode or one hit K/O no in between
Can you even imagine being the poor alien sod responsible for auditing an earthling spaceship’s spending allowance? Like:
“I see, and why do you require many tubes of white plant flavoured paste?”
“Oh well, if we don’t rub that on our teeth twice daily the bacteria living in my mouth will begin to devour me teeth.”
“…Noted.”
“I have also noticed several large shipments of specific medications, and a variety of individually packaged absorbent material – however injury records do not show sufficient numbers to justify these recurrent deliveries.”
“Ah, yeah, it’s not really an injury per say. As part of our natural reproductive cycle approximately half the population will shed the lining of one of their internal organs and expel it.”
“…that is the most horrifying thing that I have ever heard.”
“Yeah.”
“Does such a process not hurt?”
“That’l be what the medication’s for. Pain killers for the cramps, birth control to stop the process.”
“…and your reasoning behind the fully functional, high-tech entertainment system?”
“Okay, that we could probably do without. But in our defence that was actually insisted on as a standard feature of all fleet-ships expected to encounter Terrans. Admiral Plo’Kaght insisted on it. Something about bored humans and a an illegal betting ring featuring a cleaning robot with a knife strapped to it going up against a human with a mop?”
“…I believe I should speak with my superiors.”
I love how Stabby the Roomba has become such a consistent in-joke among these sorts of blogs.
Galactic hero stabby the roomba: his legend continues
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